So, Sunday morning I woke up at Jon’s place in Orlando. I kept waking up and going back to sleep, so I assumed we had slept in and it was late in the morning. I checked my cell phone, and it was just a few minutes before nine a.m. Well rested, I got up and did the morning internet thing, spending a particularly long time watching
The Show with ZeFrank.
When everyone else woke up, there was a bunch of sitting around and deliberation about breakfast. We decided upon Einstein Bagels. Jon, Morgan, Josh, Rachel and I piled into Josh’s PT Cruiser and we were on our way.
We entered the bagel joint and stood in a short line. I wondered if the food on display was real food or not, so I touched a Danish and a little piece fell off in my hand. Real food, all right. Curiosity got the better of me and I put the small piece of frosted bread in my mouth. I remarked, “this tastes like a skeleton.” I ordered a spinach and mushroom omelet bagel-sandwich from a relatively flirty einstenian, who, no doubt, was ignorant to my skeleton-danish experiment. We ate, Jon got some free food, and we saw a guy who may or may not be a retired football player, who we named
Tigerface Crenshaw. If you saw this guy, you’d understand.
Anyway, we go back to Jon’s and prepare to go to
Hard Knocks. Hard Knocks is a laser-tag place and LAN center. The “weapons” are supposed to have a realistic weight to them, and they have two different maps, office and warehouse, both of which are fairly convincing.
After setting up our gamertag at Hard Knocks, we play a couple rounds. I’m not eliminated first, but I bite it in the warehouse in the first round. The second round was in the office…this was really fun. There were tons of hiding spots. The match was a lot more dependent on stealth, which I liked. Josh and I survived to the end of this match and won it for the team.
Now, here’s where the story gets interesting. The red light goes on outside of the armory, signaling another match. Jon, Josh, Rachel, and I go line up, and two strangers approach. One of them is a fresh-faced kid. Probably about 13. The other is this 6 an a half foot tall, overweight nerd. Here’s a graphic representation:

Anyway, we’re separated 4 and 2. The ref says, “Unless one of you guys comes over, it’s going to be 4 on 2.” Josh starts to step over to the other team, and douchenerd says,
“No, no man. Don’t worry about it. This is almost my hundredth game. I don’t want it to be unfair.”
So we head into the armory and Jon says what we’re all thinking. Take out the douchenerd.
We suit up. Jon and Rachel grab the long-range weapons. Josh and I grab the lighter guns and we maker our way into the warehouse. The match starts and Josh and I move in, like Sam Fischer or Jack Bauer or whatever. I like to think of myself more like Tony Almeda, but I digress. Douchenerd sees me from across the map and gets a clean shot on me. I move a little lower and get out of his range of vision. Things are quiet for a minute or two. When Josh and I are about halfway through the map, I peak my head round the crate I’m hiding behind and douchnerd is looming over me, as surprised to see me as I am to see him. We fire at each other, he hits me again. Instinctually, I run, ignoring the strict no running rule. The ref yells “NO WRUNNING” at me, but fuck it. I’m not going to let this douche damage my pride. I spot a crate. Thinking like an action star, I decide to dive behind the crate, end goal being on my back on the ground, waiting for douchenerd to round the corner. Diving becomes tripping becomes falling. I hit the ground hard and feel a throbbing in my ankle. I scoot back to the crate and wait for douchenerd to round the corner. He never does. Jon breaks his cover by yelling, asking if I fell. I yell back yes and he starts laughing, loudly. I hear a recorded scream emit from a gun down the field, signaling the ejection of one of our opponents. I get on my belly and crawl around the crate for a peak. It’s freshface! The kid somberly walks off the field. Douchenerd, despite his immense size, is attempting to sneak down a wall in an open area…like a kimodo dragon that thinks he’s a chameleon. Then, Jon does something awesome. He yells,
“All right! Everyone move in! We got him!”
I watch as my team becomes erect, just walking towards and shooting this asshole. He can’t fend them off, and they have him within seconds. I climb to my feet and awkwardly limp towards the exit, trying to not validate the ref who yelled at me for running. After a couple minutes I realize I hurt my ankle pretty bad. Douchenerd comes over to us and attempts to be friendly, but I’m pissed about my ankle so I just sling insults at him. The group follows suit and he goes away.
By the time we get back to Jon’s, it’s hurting pretty bad. Josh and Rachel hook me up with some drugs and crutches. I call Whitney to see if she can pick me up earlier than the 10 pm leavetime we agreed upon, and she says yes. She shows up at about 9:30…which, by then, it didn’t really matter, I guess.
That’s pretty much it! I was getting around on crutches for most of the week so far, but I can now kind of hobble around without them. I’ll be back by next week, I think.